On Trial

Me and The Boss just finished up a murder jury trial at work.


I love being on trial. It means I'm not in the office answering phones. It means Tod will buy me lunch in the court cafeteria. It means that no matter what happens, in a matter of days we will have one less case I am working on.


So, here's the problem with juries. They sit there, right across from you. And they watch you. For hours. Suddenly, everything is funny and you want to laugh, or you are tired and want to yawn.


Actually, it is a little like getting ready for family prayer that way.



While you might get away with one yawn, I can't imagine more than that would send a good message to the jury about your case. Plus, it ruins a good cross examination.


"And you never saw hiss... yaahwwwaaaaghhhhhh... yeeehhhhaaaw... his face. Did you?"


Far more dangerous is the propensity to laughter. You aren't even supposed to smile big while you are doing a murder trial - because, you know, murder is serious, and you need to look sufficiently grim.

I don't know about prosecutors, but every defense lawyer I know likes to bait co-counsel to laugh by being particularly funny as soon as the jury walks out. Tod has perfected the art of waiting until something funny happens, turning and making eye contact, and then widening his eyes just slightly so he looks like a muppet. It kills me EVERY TIME. And from the angle of the jury, it looks like he hasn't done anything unusual at all.


So, there we are in court, minding out own business, putting on a defense, taking notes, and generally getting slaughtered by all the eyewitnesses, when the State calls their next witness. They are calling a prostitute who was outside the building when the murder happened. Her rap sheet says she is a woman. And she's wearing a skirt. But i have never seen such a manish woman in my life. I double checked the rap sheet. Woman. The State is calling her ma'am. So... I guess she's just really masculine?


Tod and I share a confused look. So it's not just me. This is a confusingly manly woman. I'm checking for an Adam's apple at this point.


This is when the judge interrupts the witness to say, "Excuse me sir, you need to keep your voice up when you testify."


Tod turned to me and gave me the wide eyed stare. I had to pretend to start coughing. This counts as two points for Tod, but not the three points he would have gotten if I had to take a sip of water, or the four he would have gotten if I had audibly laughed. It's a subtle scoring system. I ended up losing, as I always do. But I won the bet on who would be foreperson of the jury and I came closest to guessing the time our jury would deliberate. So, it all evens out.